Hermit Life

I can’t tell you how long it’s been that I’ve been holed up here at home, simply because I don’t want anyone to see my body.  I take the dog out and that’s it. I wear a gigantic down coat that covers everything from head to toe.  I don’t use the belt, just leave the coat as bulky and loose as possible.  It has a flap that I used to think was useless until I found that I can zip it up and flip it upwards to cover half my face, actually up to my eyes, and then I put a hat on down to my eyebrows.  I put on a pair of legwarmers to cover my bulging ankles (from edema).  I take Puzzle out, then we come in and that’s that.  Often, I keep the coat on indoors as well, cuz I’m scared some maintenance guy will show up at the door and barge in.  I’ve told you how those guys are.  I always feel better on weekends and off-hours.  I feel freer.  I can do whatever the heck I want and no one will bug me.  But I don’t get weekends off from being trapped in body dysmorphia.

When I showed up for therapy not last time, but the time before, with my face covered entirely in a scarf, and wouldn’t take it off for the entire session, my T looked so sad.  The corners of her mouth even turned down into a frown when I talked about how I felt about the chubbiness in my face.  I called this morning and told her I can’t bear to come in looking like this.  I can’t go on a bus today.  I can’t go into Boston today.  I told her I can’t bear the idea of her remembering me as a fat person.  I want her to remember me skinny.  When I was skinny, I went out all the time and didn’t worry about hiding my figure and didn’t change my clothes a zillion times because I was worried about covering up certain fat body parts.  I just threw on any ole thing.  The thing that concerned me most when I was skinny was what really should concern a person when they dress, in my opinion: the weather.

So I called my T.  She happened to pick up the phone.  I told her how I felt.  Like, crappy. She is so nice.  We rescheduled for tomorrow.

She said, “We have a lot to talk about.”  I wonder what that is.  I really don’t want any kind of pep talk concerning how good it is that I gained weight and how I’m still on the low side and have edema and how I should go have my weight checked, blah blah blah…Hmm…Maybe I shouldn’t show up if it’s going to be like that.  Another one of her lectures.

There is nothing more shameful than these “weekly weight checks.”  Trust me, nothing.  I am an adult now so leave me alone.

I wonder if she’s talked to anyone.  Like whom?  I wonder.  Maybe she’s plotted and schemed something to keep me in the system.  Day treatment or some other waste of time.  She’s definitely been talking to people.  Dang.

I need to go back to bed and wake up skinny again like I was before.  That will solve everything.  Everyone just bug off.

Feedback and comments welcome!