4am. Pounding headache. Half a painkiller tablet from a tooth extraction a year ago. I gulp it down with a mugful of water. These interact with my antidepressant and make me sleepy. Too sleepy. This is so wonderful. I must use these pills sparingly. I don’t have many. I will be asleep for at least three more hours.
If life isn’t going to be fun…if life is actually going to be nothing but hell…I might as well spend all my time sleeping, anyway. Just stay in bed.
8:30 I am awake, and still despise humans like I did yesterday and every day since god knows when.
I fight and fight, but the people who are supposed to be behind me and encouraging me and supporting me, like my T, I don’t know…I don’t know what to think. I told her all this stuff when I went in to see her yesterday, like about my ambitions, and how much better I was doing, but I feel like I’ve been slapped in the face, again and again by her and everyone else who is supposedly “treating” me. They just put me down in every way they can.
Yesterday, she said if I starved myself one more time, she would put me in the state hospital. One hell of a lot of sense that makes. State hospital? Great place to rot for the rest of my life. I will rot at home, thank you.
No point in seeing my primary care doctor today. She will only make me feel miserable. She wants me in the state hospital, too.
If someone makes you a promise, if will be broken.
“I love you” is conditional.
“I want to get to know you” means “I want something from you” or “I want to control you or take over your life.”
“I will never leave you” is an outright lie.
Whatever a person says to your face, assume they are saying something quite different about you to another person behind your back.
Friendship is a scam. Most of it is cheaply made and falls apart after brief use. Don’t fall for this rip-off.
I have been in disguise. Wearing everything I can to hide my body. Scarves wrapped around most of my face, the bulkiest layers I can find. This is the only way I can walk out my apartment door and feel okay. Even answering the door or going to put out the trash.
People stare and laugh at me and I really don’t care. There is no dress code in this country. I sat on the bus and listened to people laugh and joke that I looked like a bank robber. They didn’t realize I could hear them.