I re-started the Imipramine last night…this morning my T called me to see if I am coming on Monday

…Two events.

I explained in my previous post that I was debating re-starting the Imipramine.  It is a no-brainer that I do need this medication, unfortunately…sadly.  My life depends on this medication.  No, I will not be “blue” without this medication.  I will fucking die without this medication.  “Blue” will not kill me.  Many people find ways to deal with “blue” other than dangerous medications.  Binge eating, given my specific medical circumstances, will kill me.  I have tried everything and only this dangerous pill works to stop it.

I am keeping my fingers crossed that it starts working soon.  Last time it stopped the bingeing in three days.

So my T calls this morning.  I canceled today’s appointment Tuesday night.  Why?  I didn’t want to show up bloated…I guess that was the number one answer, and there were a bunch more reasons, too.  I didn’t want her put-downs, either.  She asked me, when she called this morning, why I had canceled…bit by bit this led to a huge fight.

I told her, for one thing that I had gotten back on the Imipramine.  She said, “Come in to therapy and let’s work on the bingeing.”

I said, “Oh, such bullshit.”

Of course, she was kind of up in arms over this, countering with how sick I am with my eating disorder, how I don’t want to let go of it…how I need therapy…

I told her to let go of her ego.  I do not need this therapy bullshit and I do not need to be under the power of the mental health system and given a label and told that I am sick and weak and this is why I have this behavior and need to show up at her office and be therapized.

She is no different from the others.  She is an excellent T but not magic.  There is no magic T.

I feel sorry for people who say their therapists know them better than they know themselves.  I suggest to these people that they get out pencil and paper and do some serious writing, and fire their ego-inflated therapists.  You might also, in the meanwhile, reflect on what went on in that therapy relationship, because when it gets like that, you end up needing to heal from that therapist, to break away, to grow up, to grow up, to grow up.  You do not need a surrogate parent.  Therapists like that are harmful.  They come in many forms.  They will try to convince you otherwise. They will tell you you are weak.  Get out while you can.

My T, thankfully, is not one of the above.  I had one of those once or twice and learned my lesson.  I have a good T.  But a T is a T and no therapy has helped me with bingeing.  Walden Behavioral Care did not help me with bingeing.  I told my T this in our conversation as well.  I told her they insisted on treating me for purging.  I do not need treatment for purging as I do not have this problem.  I told her about being dehydrated.  I told her about being denied water.

I told her…actually the very first thing I said was that I felt profoundly misunderstood.  I really should have stopped there.

We ended up getting into  a huge fight over the phone.  I lost it completely.

I can’t even be pleasant and charming right now.

Feedback and comments welcome!