In this post, I ramble quite a bit, but the basics are here. I get at the heart of the issue toward the end. I don’t recall what I said exactly but I remember reaching some sort of conclusion at that point.
While I was speaking into the phone, I paused at regular intervals to sip on some water. Now, my headache seems to be gone, and I’m feeling better.
I feel like an anger machine today.
I feel like an anger machine today and I also came to a realization about anger. Yes, anger is a feeling. But just because anger is an unpleasant feeling doesn’t mean that what you are feeling angry about is bad or good or anything about it has anything to do with anything else.
The truth is, the fact that the a person came into the treatment center, that is, the fact that I came into the center clinically dehydrated, was denied water when I reported physical symptoms of extreme thirst as I described in this audio post time after time after time, was put on water restriction and denied water repeatedly even though my blood tests repeatedly showed dehydration and I showed no evidence of “water-loading,” and I gave repeated evidence of the fact that due to my medical history and history of need for extra fluids due to medication history and habit and having done extensive research….I was denied….When the restriction was lifted, this information took days to get fully communicated to all staff, though it was documented it had to become official and I had to deal with “politics” and their schedule and their rules.
When my food cramped up on the bus on the way home from the hospital, it was a huge wake-up call for me. I was not a well person. I had been treated in a hospital for nutritional issues and I was leaving there fucking dehydrated.
I told them over and over, “I am thirsty. I need water.”
They did not believe me. They said, “You are sick. You have a mental illness. You are a liar and can’t be trusted with water and this is more important than your medical need.”
Today, this is my response: Bullshit.
I am angry. Angry feelings are fine and have nothing to do with the fact that….
WHAT THEY DID TO ME…THEY IGNORED MY MEDICAL NEED. THEY DID NOT TREAT MY MY BODY’S NUTRITIONAL DEFICIENCY IN FLUID AND INSTEAD DENIED ME FLUID BECAUSE OF MY MENTAL CONDITION.
WHAT THEY DID WAS WRONG.
I am not going to “cope” with these feelings. This will not erase what they did. I do not need “coping skills” for this. I do not need to “stay in the moment.” I do no need “stress balls” and I do not need a “deep breath” and I do not need a “PRN.”
Wrong is wrong is wrong is wrong is wrong. I do not want to forgive. I suppose I can pardon in some legal way if there is a lawsuit but I have no need to go that far.
This is what I do need. I need to use my anger to self-propel. I need to remember. I need to remember to drink water, maybe even keep a water bottle with me so that I can have water with me when I am out. I was dehydrated for months and this isn’t going to go away overnight.
I canceled therapy because I don’t want to go through this with her yet one more time with her. I can take care of myself, thank you.
And to those of you ex-friends who “justified” what treatment centers did to me, who told me to blindly follow rules that made no sense, that there was some “logic” to what these treatment centers did, that surely there was “research” behind the way they were treating me, that I was the “sick one” who needed treatment and should do what these treatment centers told me and give up all control to them….
I think you know who you are….I think you need to ask yourselves some basic questions about your own need for control.
Okay, I am going to hop into my shower now. Later today, I will talk about “junk food” at treatment centers and how it is used, specifically how it was used in my situation and my opinion of the situation, now that I am out.