I awoke in tears that morning thinking about my ex-friends, and so I wrote my goal for the day around this. I wrote three goals. We are supposed to read our goals aloud in Goals Group. When it came my turn, I began to read my goals. I had written them so carefully, and spent a lot of time on them, and gotten them to my liking, but it had taken a long time. The last thing I wanted was to be interrupted and told that what I was saying was “inappropriate.” I was in a shitty mood to begin with.
Here’s how my goal began:
1. This morning, I awoke in tears realizing that every friend that has left me has done so knowing without a doubt that they were leaving me at a time that I needed them most. This has been happening over a period of not months, not years, but decades. I have been wondering for quite some time if this says something about human nature.
This goes on to state that people I have known who have had cancer have had similar experiences. When the going gets rough, your friends split. As soon as I used the words, “Stage Scary,” the group leader told me to stop reading. She said I was upsetting other patients. Triggering other patients.
Well, damn. Eating disorders are fucking Stage Scary if you ask me. But I didn’t say this. I walked out of group. In doing this, I made one helluva statement.
There is part of this goal that I have never read to anyone, and it doesn’t appear on this audio portion. Here it is:
I remember all the excuses my friends gave for ending our friendships, the most honest being “I can’t be friends with you anymore because I’m afraid you’ll die and I’ll be heartbroken,” and the most inexcusable being, “You do not dress like a typical anorexic. Therefore, something is wrong with you.” I can pray as hard as I want but I don’t think I have it within me to magically erase the anger and hurt I feel from decades of this BS. Nobody wants me anymore. Not even my family. But I am happy that I have my church and I have God. Today I will cope with the feelings of anger and hurt that I woke up with.
Goal #2, which of course I never, never had the opportunity to read, was the following:
2. Pull out the figurative feeding tube that was put into me by my parents, all the kids that teased me and laughed at me, the teacher that called me fat, mean friends, women and men, men, men, the way society looks down on me and puts me on display as “mentally ill,” the way I look down on myself and put myself on display as “mentally ill”–I repeat, the way I look down on myself and put myself on display as “mentally ill”–for today, I will pull out this figurative feeding tube and replace it with an everyday voluntary forkful of nourishment of my choosing.
Goal #3 of course was, “I love everyone here,” and this, too, I never had the chance to say.
So Feb 18 was my day to fight censorship. And I did.
I read a “Mood Monitor” and a journal entry as part of this audio post. At the end of the day, I felt confident and I was proud of my strength, good self-esteem, and ability to express myself. I felt empowered like never before.