I just came in from walking Puzzle. Not a few minutes ago. A bit longer ago than that. Maybe 45 minutes ago. I’m not exactly sure. I gave her some dinner. I figured I’d get rid of all those soda bottles that have been sitting in my closet forever. I was just sick of seeing them there. There’s a guy down the hall that collects the returnables. I gave him the bottles, all zillion of them, two bags full. It’s been a couple of months since I’ve had any soda to drink. Diet soda, of course. Zero calorie diet soda. The fellow knocked on my door a bit ago to thank me for all the bottles I left for him. Puzzle barked like crazy when she heard the knocking. I got up to see who it was. When I stood, I guess I got this head rush, all the blood rushing or whatever happens when you stand suddenly and you feel faint.
I’m okay though, but I really don’t feel so great. Kind of a tingly feeling. I had it while I was walking Puzzle, that plus a Seroquel flashback, kind of this emotional thing, memories I guess. My body not feeling good. Blood sugar or whatever. Collapsing in the street. I remember that happened a bunch of times when I took Seroquel. Of course I was rather heavy then. I tried to tell Dr. P about it. Let me tell you, I got off that Seroquel just in time. I’m positive I was damn close to developing diabetes. We’re talking seven years ago. I remember it like it was yesterday. I remember how it felt in my body. Helpless in spirit as well.
I feel, you know, kind of helpless now. Kind of like I really don’t know what to do. I rely on myself and I am both strong and not strong. I am so vastly alone here and it is my own doing. I created this mess. I sent myself off on a raft and here I am out in the middle, just drifting, lost, no map, and even if I had one, it would be useless without landmarks.
I call out, and I don’t quite know what I am asking for, or why. What do I want? What do I expect?
I just went to the bathroom, went pee, washed my hands and dried them on a hand towel. I am back at the computer now. And it is as I expected. My desk lamp shines. Beside my keyboard is my small notebook. It is my secret journal where I write my calories and my weight. I generally don’t leave it open on my desk. I am fastidious about putting it away. It has its own place in my desk shelf, not hidden particularly, but shelved. You don’t have to look hard to find it. When I first started keeping it, it was a bit of a mess, but now, it’s rather organized. Each day is a little different. That is to be expected. After all, time passes.
Today, at 5:15, I wrote, among other things, “Don’t feel so good.”
Well, I feel okay now. A little better I guess. It’s just that I’m so alone. Just drifting out here. Not sure where I’ll end up, where I want to end up, or whether I want to end up anywhere at all.