I really don't feel particularly well right now

I just came in from walking Puzzle.  Not a few minutes ago.  A bit longer ago than that.  Maybe 45 minutes ago.  I’m not exactly sure.  I gave her some dinner.  I figured I’d get rid of all those soda bottles that have been sitting in my closet forever.  I was just sick of seeing them there.  There’s a guy down the hall that collects the returnables.  I gave him the bottles, all zillion of them, two bags full.  It’s been a couple of months since I’ve had any soda to drink.  Diet soda, of course.  Zero calorie diet soda.  The fellow knocked on my door a bit ago to thank me for all the bottles I left for him.  Puzzle barked like crazy when she heard the knocking.  I got up to see who it was.   When I stood, I guess I got this head rush, all the blood rushing or whatever happens when you stand suddenly and you feel faint.

I’m okay though, but I really don’t feel so great.  Kind of a tingly feeling.  I had it while I was walking Puzzle, that plus a Seroquel flashback, kind of this emotional thing, memories I guess.  My body not feeling good.  Blood sugar or whatever.  Collapsing in the street.  I remember that happened a bunch of times when I took Seroquel.  Of course I was rather heavy then.  I tried to tell Dr. P about it.  Let me tell you, I got off that Seroquel just in time.  I’m positive I was damn close to developing diabetes.  We’re talking seven years ago.  I remember it like it was yesterday.  I remember how it felt in my body.  Helpless in spirit as well.

I feel, you know, kind of helpless now.  Kind of like I really don’t know what to do.  I rely on myself and I am both strong and not strong.  I am so vastly alone here and it is my own doing.  I created this mess.  I sent myself off on a raft and here I am out in the middle, just drifting, lost, no map, and even if I had one, it would be useless without landmarks.

I call out, and I don’t quite know what I am asking for, or why.  What do I want?  What do I expect?

I just went to the bathroom, went pee, washed my hands and dried them on a hand towel.  I am back at the computer now.  And it is as I expected.  My desk lamp shines.  Beside my keyboard is my small notebook.  It is my secret journal where I write my calories and my weight.  I generally don’t leave it open on my desk.  I am fastidious about putting it away.  It has its own place in my desk shelf, not hidden particularly, but shelved.  You don’t have to look hard to find it.  When I first started keeping it, it was a bit of a mess, but now, it’s rather organized.  Each day is a little different.  That is to be expected.  After all, time passes.

Today, at 5:15, I wrote, among other things, “Don’t feel so good.”

Well, I feel okay now.  A little better I guess.  It’s just that I’m so alone.  Just drifting out here.  Not sure where I’ll end up, where I want to end up, or whether I want to end up anywhere at all.


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