There was a knock on the door. Puzzle barked. I opened the door and no one was there. Then I heard a call. A male voice said, “Wait a minute! I’m coming!” A guy appeared. He said he was the cable guy. He gave me a card, saying, “If you want three months free, call me.”
A bunch of feelings came into my head just then. What did I expect when I opened the door? Santa Claus? Did I think it was the police coming to take me away…yet another time? What did I want? What was I dreading? What was I hoping for from this visitor? Do I want to be loved and wanted and cared for?
Spots came in front of my eyes, the kind of spots you get when you are dizzy from getting up too fast. I went into the kitchen. Puzzle followed me. I got myself a little water. I came to the computer.
Earlier, my therapist wrote to me and said she needed to cancel our Thursday appointment. She is extending her vacation. I will be seeing her next Monday. She said if I wanted to talk to her on the phone that could be arranged. I think it was about four hours ago that I wrote back and said that everything was okay and that I hope she was having a happy vacation.
At some point, I don’t recall when, I wrote some in my journal. I don’t want to go back and read what I wrote.
I realize now that I just want to be loved and wanted and cared for. Like everyone else I guess.
Thanks, cable guy.