My T is going on a vacation. Never mind where she is going but I will tell you that she is looking forward to it. I could tell. She is leaving tomorrow and I think today’s Boston weather had her convinced that she needed a vacation. This morning was even colder than yesterday morning.
I am cold. I just finished a hot cup of Celestial Seasonings Bengal Spice herbal tea. I have never had Bengal Spice before. It’s rather good, and it helped warm me up. I am wearing my Winter Classic 5k hat that I got exactly a year ago when I ran the race in Cambridge, MA. This year, the race was held December 11th.
When I told my T that the race was exactly a year ago, that is, December 19th, that started her on this whole, “What have you accomplished in this past year?” rampage. Which was fine with me because I didn’t want to talk about certain other things.
So a lot of bullshit got discussed. She seems to think I have accomplished so many things. I let her think this because it’s a nice way for her to start off her vacation. Honestly, it’s been one fucked-up year. It’s been the worst year of my life. I kind of said this and shrugged off the “accomplishment” part.
I did tell her this:
I AM OKAY JUST THE WAY I AM.
That was all I said about that.
I told her I felt pretty good, that I was glad to be over that yucky virus I had. I spoke a bit about the virus and the impact it had on me.
Change of subject: I told a lie last night and it is weighing heavily on my mind. It is the lie I tell more than any other lie. This is the lie:
“Julie, you’ve had something to eat, haven’t you?”
“Oh yes, I’ve had something.”
Of course, I hadn’t had anything. I felt especially bad lying to this person last night. It is really bothering me now, just getting on my conscience. I made excuse after excuse not to have the pizza, saying that I had just gotten over a bug. But there was other food there, too. I made an excuse to have just water. I saw water in a pitcher, and knowing it was just water, I asked if there was any alcohol in it. I wanted to appear to be making sure that it was alcohol-free. That way, it would look more “okay” to have just water. Just more anorexic bullshit paranoia.
I smiled and had a good time and put the food and the lie out of my mind.
I smiled and had a good time in therapy, too.
I hope my T smiles and has a good time on her vacation.
I am having a vacation….