My last therapy session…for a little while

My T is going on a vacation.  Never mind where she is going but I will tell you that she is looking forward to it.  I could tell.  She is leaving tomorrow and I think today’s Boston weather had her convinced that she needed a vacation.  This morning was even colder than yesterday morning.

I am cold.  I just finished a hot cup of Celestial Seasonings Bengal Spice herbal tea.  I have never had Bengal Spice before.  It’s rather good, and it helped warm me up.  I am wearing my Winter Classic 5k hat that I got exactly a year ago when I ran the race in Cambridge, MA.  This year, the race was held December 11th.

When I told my T that the race was exactly a year ago, that is, December 19th, that started her on this whole, “What have you accomplished in this past year?” rampage.  Which was fine with me because I didn’t want to talk about certain other things.

So a lot of bullshit got discussed.  She seems to think I have accomplished so many things.  I let her think this because it’s a nice way for her to start off her vacation.  Honestly, it’s been one fucked-up year.  It’s been the worst year of my life.  I kind of said this and shrugged off the “accomplishment” part.

I did tell her this:

I AM OKAY JUST THE WAY I AM.

That was all I said about that.

I told her I felt pretty good, that I was glad to be over that yucky virus I had.  I spoke a bit about the virus and the impact it had on me.

Change of subject: I told a lie last night and it is weighing heavily on my mind.  It is the lie I tell more than any other lie.  This is the lie:

“Julie, you’ve had something to eat, haven’t you?”

“Oh yes, I’ve had something.”

Of course, I hadn’t had anything.  I felt especially bad lying to this person last night.  It is really bothering me now, just getting on my conscience.  I made excuse after excuse not to have the pizza, saying that I had just gotten over a bug.  But there was other food there, too.  I made an excuse to have just water.  I saw water in a pitcher, and knowing it was just water, I asked if there was any alcohol in it.  I wanted to appear to be making sure that it was alcohol-free.  That way, it would look more “okay” to have just water.  Just more anorexic bullshit paranoia.

I smiled and had a good time and put the food and the lie out of my mind.

I smiled and had a good time in therapy, too.

I hope my T smiles and has a good time on her vacation.

I am having a vacation….

Feedback and comments welcome!