I have noticed that human beings break promises, and I am no different. I broke the promise I made to myself that I would not have caffeine today. I didn’t have morning coffee. I often don’t have coffee in the morning simply because I forget to make it or I make it and forget it’s there, and find it hours later still sitting on the counter waiting for me, stone cold. I spooned down a cup of Roastaroma right before leaving for church this morning. At church social hour, I drank herbal tea. That’s a first because I always have the coffee there and I always pick the largest mug and feel that surely I am being selfish for doing so. I came home and slept for two hours and then got up and felt groggy and headachy. I took two aspirin and gave in and had my coffee. I feel better. Improved. Not great though.
That’s not really what I wanted to talk about. I was just at church as I usually am on Sundays. I am going back in a bit and then a bunch of us are carpooling over to this place and then we are caroling there and then going back to the music director’s place for a get-together. I am a busy girl. But I felt it was important to write in here with the little time I have in-between.
You just don’t know anything about the future. You can’t predict New England weather. It is cold outside today. I am cold, very cold sometimes.
After church–well, let me just say that church is different each time I go. Each time is special. We had the Christmas pageant today.
When the kids were up there singing, I thought I was going to start crying. There I was, sitting in the second row. I was scared the kids would see my crying, and not understand my tears. Does anyone understand my tears? No one really needs to understand them. Many people cry at church for their own reasons and it’s none of my business why they do. I put a smile on my face and held the liquid tears inside my eyes and did not let them fall. I willed my nose not to run.
Bodily fluids. Water.
I have decided that it is no longer a good idea to drink really fast or a whole lot at once.
I don’t have much time, because
I am leaving in a bit.
At 4:45, I have to be at church for carpooling. But I am getting there early. My mom taught me to be early. She was notoriously late. For everything. Actually, it was a horrible thing that she was late. This was one way that she neglected us kids. It was gross neglect because her tardiness often put us in dangerous situations. Or she would forget us entirely and not show. By being chronically late, I learned. I learned to be early. Because it is better to be early, or to plan to be early just in case there are delays. I am always on time. Or sooner than expected.
Why am I poisoning this entry with talk of my mother? I was just in a deep sleep. I slept for nearly two hours. I woke up and the edema was gone. I asked myself if all the fluid had gone into my head and that’s why I had a headache.
I have been Doctor Greene all weekend. Survival.
I have just peeked. My legs are gross again. When I left the house this morning I thought about how this really does a number on my self-esteem. Actually, I read on a website that the common denominator among people with eating disorders is low self-esteem.
I could use a shower after that two-hour nap.