There was still a considerable amount of swelling all over my body, even yesterday, four days after I had last binged. My hands were the first body part to look normal again. It was a relief to have my hands back. Dr. K said it might take weeks before the swelling in my ankles and calves is reduced. Between Tuesday and Saturday, I peed out 11 pounds of built-up fluid. Gradually, I was beginning to feel human again.
It took a stupid incident to set me off yesterday afternoon.
I’m okay so far today. There’s a lot of swelling in my face, which I can’t cover up obviously, but the rest of me I can keep hidden under clothes. It’s going to be freaking 86 degrees out today and I can’t wear anything but a full-length dress, I mean all the way down to the ground.
My T says she is going to help me with this problem. I don’t know why I have had all this faith in her. After all, I’ve had this problem (anorexia and binge-eating) since 1980 and I don’t know how I can expect her to wave a magic wand and make it go away by magic. Agreeably, most of the therapists I’ve had over the years haven’t known a thing about eating disorders and many have told me I didn’t have an eating disorder. But I don’t know why I should expect this one to be any different or that therapy with her is going to improve my life any more than any of the other therapies did.
But for some reason, year after year, I have kept telling myself, “This is it,” and I think it’s over, and it’s not. I think it’s time I stop bullshitting myself, because this illness has no end.