I am not going to share with you the letter I wrote to my T Monday night

I am not going to share with you the letter I wrote to my T Monday night following our session.  It is a goodbye letter.  I will have to say goodbye to the best T I have ever had because I am not committed to recovery and I am refusing treatment for my eating disorder, anorexia nervosa.  She is the last therapist I will ever have.

I told her there is no T in the universe just like her (I didn’t word it that way).  If another T were to follow, surely, that one would be a sore disappointment.  I will, however, have support.  I have services from the Department of Mental Health in place, so they will be following me. I meet with my worker once a week, on Saturdays.

My psychiatrist, Dr. P, will also “fire” me. I am not meeting her criteria for treatment. She will not treat someone who refuses all help. Leaving her is a very difficult decision I have made. She is an excellent shrink who has seen me through some very hard times.  I have been seeing her for–believe it or not–10 years.

I have printed out this letter. I saved the document in my computer files. I e-mailed it to myself as well. I plan to read it to my T and give it to her for her records. We meet tomorrow.

I am usually scared to read her things I wrote. I fear that she will react by rejecting me, “firing” me, or hospitalizing me. So far, she has done none of these things based on any document I have read to her.  But I am committed to reading her the entire document I wrote. I am convinced that she will not do any of these things based on what I wrote in the letter.

Okay, okay, here is one paragraph I am willing to share:

“I do like having someone with me in my aloneness.  I know that makes no sense or sounds like an oxymoron, but when you consider that I am in a state of starvation, I am truly alone, untouchable, numb, and my mind is curled up into itself.  So I like coming in to see you.  Especially lately.  I can sit on your couch and maybe uncurl a little.”

The letter is one page long, single-spaced.

3 thoughts on “I am not going to share with you the letter I wrote to my T Monday night”

  1. An old Cherokee told his grandson, “My son, there is a battle between two wolves inside us all. One is Evil. It is anger, jealousy, greed, resentment, inferiority, lies, & ego. The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, humility, kindness, empathy, & truth.” The boy thought about it, and asked, “Grandfather, which wolf wins?” The old man quietly replied, “The one you feed.”

  2. Whether you know it or not, you are feeding something – might as well find a way to make it a positive thing…

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