I wrote the last e-mail this afternoon. I am writing this one while doing laundry Sunday night. I will not send this one, either.
You know, I have things to live for. It’s just that I’m not living for life. You, Dr. P, and Dr. K want me to gain weight. You three represent weight gain to me, and I feel threatened by you, as I feel threatened by the world and its brightness. You see, I fear weight gain more than I fear death.
I see an UP and DOWN arrow here and I feel that I am following the DOWN arrow. It is the only arrow I follow right now because I cannot follow the other arrow.
So I follow the DOWN arrow into the DOWN elevator, and I am trapped in this DOWN elevator and there is no one else in it with me. If it stops on any floors, my eyes are closed and I do not peek when the elevator door opens. I have my headphones on and they are loud, loud, loud and do not want to see the world. The elevator does not stop at the Lobby, but keeps going. And going. I don’t know when it will stop. If the elevator were to stop at a floor and I were to open my eyes, I would see nothing but blackness and no people before me.
When I go to my appointments with Dr. P and go up the elevator, there is a canned voice that announces the stops. As my DOWN elevator descends, its canned voice says, “No progress located on this floor” over and over.
That is the reason I question whether therapy is doing me any good. That is why I wonder if I’m coming to therapy for the right reasons. I like coming because I’m lonely and like having someone to talk to. I don’t want to lose you. Of course, it’s absolutely stupid to give you up–you, of all people, because you’re the best therapist I’ve ever had. Dr. P will be pissed, and she’ll probably drop me as well. It’s all in the cards.
But…I am asking you now for your opinion. I value what you have to say at this point because I just don’t know what to do. I will respect what you have to say. I don’t know if you’re going to say, “I can’t continue with you,” or if you’re going to say something else. I don’t know what your policy is regarding patients that don’t want to get better and in fact want to–according you YOU–want to descend into a downward slide. So I’ll wait until tomorrow (it’s getting late and my laundry is done) and see.