As many of you know, I’ve been losing friends lately. Here’s a link I’m sending to someone I lost:
What’s true about friendship is true at any age. Friends should stick by each other.
I have never talked about this on here directly before, but I will. In February, my best friend left me. She left me at a time when I needed a friend the most. It was February 7, and I was in the throes of It. I had just been released from McLean Hospital. Her departure came as a shock to me.
I think my initial feeling, for the first few months, was sheer heartbreak, anger, and grief over it. She did send a letter of explanation, weeks later, that stated that basically she hasn’t felt good about our friendship for a while. I recalled seeing it in her face the last time we skyped.
I did a lot of work in therapy about my grief over this loss. I had to. Losing my best friend wrenched me apart.
Sure, we stayed in touch. But our relationship is just a shell of what it used to be. Whenever I receive an e-mail from her, I feel like cyber-tearing it up. But I don’t. I write back. And hate myself for it. Everything feels so fake now. Sometimes, I think about ending the relationship, because it breaks my heart too much to keep e-mailing only, when we had done so much together before.
Until tonight, my feeling was that the relationship was beyond repair. I felt that the horror of what she had done–left me at the moment that I needed her the most–had permanently damaged our friendship and that it would never heal. I felt that her feelings toward me would not change, that I had said certain things or done certain things wrong, and had fucked up the friendship somehow, and that the situation was irreversible.
I thought for a while, “Maybe she is saying to herself, ‘I will go back to her when she gets rid of her ED.'” But L, it is beneath you to put a condition on a friendship like that. I tried getting rid of the illness just to get you back, but couldn’t. I also tried hiding the illness from you in our e-mails. That didn’t work, either. It’s hard when you have something that just won’t go away. It affects relationships and that’s reality, but I know we are strong. We are adults. All friendships have challenges and we have dealt with this in the past.
Maybe I’m totally off my mind tonight. But L, if you’re reading this (if you are, it’s tomorrow), I challenge you to simply forget about your anger toward me. Just let it go, and I’ll let go of mine. Just let it fall to the floor under our computer desks and into the dust bunnies. We invested too much in each other to say goodbye when we did. We’ve been silent and apart long enough. I dreamed last night (or tonight, before I suddenly woke with a start and wrote this) that the phone rang and it was you. So I challenge you to pick up the phone and call me. You have my number. Just do it.
I’ll be waiting.