This is a part of The Starvation Transformations: How hunger befriends me, nourishes me, and betrays me, a new section called “The It Notebook Part Two.” It might take me a while to write this entry.
I suffer from vertigo. I get it in the morning most of the time, and I find it crippling. It lasts for a number of hours just about every morning. Every day, I plan to go out, but more often than not the vertigo comes, making going out impossible, so I cancel my plans. Apparently, I get the vertigo whenever I take the first bite of food in the morning. If I don’t eat, I’ll faint. So I eat, get the vertigo, wait until the vertigo goes away, then I may go out, or maybe it’s simply too late, so I stay home. Welcome to my life.
This morning I experienced strange sensations in my body. I don’t know how else to describe it. I was frightened. I didn’t know what to think. I was afraid that I was losing my mind. I was afraid that I was becoming psychotic. I was afraid that I was losing control. More and more I am afraid that It is coming back.
It is a psychosis that takes control of my mind and manifests itself in my body in very distinct ways. One part of It is dizziness very similar to the vertigo that I am experiencing. The vertigo started May 24. Was this the beginning of the return of It?
I am also beginning to notice some confusion along with the vertigo. The vertigo is extremely distracting now. I cannot concentrate. I have started doing things that don’t make sense, like throwing things out that shouldn’t be thrown out. I am putting things in the wrong places. I am noticing some sensations in my lips. When I get It, my lips tingle. The lip tingling has been going on for maybe two weeks. Another similarity is that It was always present in the morning, and as the day went on, It diminished. I had a grand time in the wee hours, knowing that at least for a little while, I was free of It. Welcome, welcome to my life.
I just got over being crippled from a knee injury–an arthritis “flare-up,” actually. I was told to stop running. That alone changed my life. I told myself this morning how happy I was to be able to walk normally again, how happy I am to be able to give Puzzle her full walk.
And then the vertigo starts up. And then the confusion, fear, and strange sensations. Now, it is my mind that is crippled.
It is gone now. I waited, incapacitated, just doing nothing in particular, and after a while I was okay.
Is this the return of It? Is it?