Vertigo….again…and fighting my eating disorder

Yes, this vertigo I am getting is from my anorexia…day after day….Yes, I can stop it.  I can stop it if I can get my nutritional state back to normal.  All I have to do is eat…all I have to do is eat…all I have to do is eat….

So why don’t I?  It is so simple.  Toss my illness out the window and eat.

I wish.

Maybe, though, I don’t wish.  Because it is the nature of anorexia to hold onto it and hold onto it so tightly that you will die rather than drop it, let it fly away, let someone take it from you, or throw it off a bridge.

Maybe I should just open the window a bit.  Open the screen as well.  Peek out at the grass–or asphalt–below.  Consider everything I can throw out there.  Wouldn’t it be fun?

At the ED hospital, we had “keeps and throws” instead of “wrap up.”  Well, it was “wrap up,” but it was also “keeps and throws.”  You would say what you wanted to keep about your day, and you said what you wanted to throw away.  I kind of liked that.

Actually, I’d like to have thrown the ED hospital.  I’d like to throw every hospitalization I’ve ever had.  Or maybe I’d like to throw being in such a bad state that I require hospitalization.  I have been in this condition more times than I can count.  This truly sucks.

What do I want to keep?  What do I really want to keep?  When I think about it, what I really want to keep is my love for Puzzle, and my joyful walks with Puzzle, too. I want to keep the days that I feel like my life is worth living.  I want to keep the happiness I feel knowing that my special friend is in my life.  I want to keep sunshine on a summer day.  I want to keep the melting of the snow at the beginning of spring. I want to keep the crispness and newness of frost in December and the memory of running on the track at sunrise, this memory that I can cherish for the rest of my life.  I want to keep my blog.  I want to keep solitude.  I want to keep on keeping.  I want to keep…myself?

Do I?  Can I challenge myself to keep myself going?  Can I?

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