Yesterday I ended up getting my usual vertigo about 10 minutes after my first morsel of food for the day. This is always a glass of skim milk. That’s all I generally have for breakfast, anyway. From my research on the Internet, people with anorexia nervosa can get vertigo after eating. Mine comes only after the first bite of the day, consistently 10 minutes later. I think it’s from malnutrition.
The vertigo is bad, bad, bad. I can’t really go out when I am experiencing it, not safely. Everything kind of swirls around, or, more accurately, I get this intense wobbly-dizzy feeling totally unlike the “swaying” feeling that is more physical and not dizziness at all. The vertigo comes from my head and is more of a feeling. I experience it even when I’m sitting down. I feel like I’m going to fall over. I kind of stumble around and feel clumsy. Yes, like It. Also, the vertigo is extremely distracting. I find it hard to concentrate on anything. It’s very disturbing to go through this. It’s definitely nutritionally related.
The “swaying” is from ankle weakness. This ataxia is a side effect of Trileptal. It came back when I returned the Trileptal dose from 150 to 450 to the original dose of 600, which was what I was supposedly taking all along. Dr. P never found out that I had halved it and then halved it again. I will tell her what I did. I will tell her I was a “good girl” and brought the dose back up again. I need the Trileptal to prevent binge eating episodes. I will tell her that I realized how stupid I was. But I will also say that the “swaying” disturbed me, and that it made running on the treadmill impossible, and this was a damned good reason to lower the dose! But due to the fact that I have now been diagnosed with arthritis and won’t be on the treadmill, I have decided to raise the Trileptal back up to the original dose. So now…ataxia…”swaying.”
Agreeably, the “swaying” isn’t really that bad. It’s only a problem if I’m sleep-deprived. But yesterday I awoke from a nap, really out of it, and the ataxia was bad, bad, bad. And I still had the vertigo! Now, the vertigo is 10 times worse than the “swaying,” yes, but the combination…that and being sleepy and groggy and weak from not enough food…well….It sucked. I was completely non-functional. You could say it was kind of a nightmare. An anorexic nightmare.
You know, all I have to do is eat. Get some food into me. At my last weight check, my blood pressure was pretty low. The systolic was okay, but the diastolic was something like 54. This isn’t what’s causing the vertigo. Vertigo is not the same as postural hypotension, which is a lowering of the blood pressure upon standing. (Sometimes, postural hypotension can be caused by medication. I used to get it from my meds. It’s a very common side effect.) If my nutritional status was okay, I wouldn’t get the vertigo and the host of medical problems I now have.
I don’t eat because I don’t want to gain weight. Period. I have anorexia nervosa and I am scared to gain weight. I am sitting here at the library and I am scared to gain weight right here right now. I am sitting here at the library weak and starving. All I have to do is to go down to the cafe and buy a nice sandwich. Oh, I’ll eat in a bit…lunch…vegetables mostly. An hour later, I’ll be weak and starving again. This is my life.
When will the insanity end? Will I ever get so fed up with the medical problems that I experience–daily–to want the insanity to end at last? Because all I have to do is to eat a decent amount of food and that will fix a lot of what I go through.
I really, really, really don’t know.