Hi! I am in the process of copying over entries of The It Notebook and The McLean Papers (contained in The It Notebook) and publishing them here. I am also in the process of writing the Introduction and Epilogue to The It Notebook, which I will not share with you all, but these I would like to get written soon.
Here is one entry from March 11:
WRITTEN RIGHT AFTER THE MEETING WITH MY T AND THE SOCIAL WORKER AND ME TOGETHER
Yesterday, I wrote: “See me, hear me, believe me”
This I have repeated three times–
Well, I was not seen, heard, or believed–
People with mental illnesses are never believed
They are told that their thinking is delusional,
Misguided, or confused–that they need medication–
People with anorexia are not seen because they are invisible—I was not heard in that meeting because apparently the SW and my T thought their agenda was more important than mine.
So I might as well stay in my room, shut up, and speak only to my angry roommate, who believes me, and torture myself by continuing to listen to her tirades. It is my nature to listen to angry comrades go on and on, even if I consider such behavior a gross form of verbal self-harm on my part, due to the fact that it is my choice to stick around.
So given that there is only one staff person who sees me, hears me, and believes me, I will spend my time writing, and learning many new things by writing, using the computer whenever I have the chance, and speaking with this staff person (C) whenever she wants to speak with me. I know that she goes way out of her way to do this for me–to listen00and I am truly touched by this–and grateful.
Am I really helping myself by doing these things? With the exception of self-harm, which may disspitate as my roommate recovers, yes, yes, yes–there is no question in my mind–I AM helping myself. See me. Hear me. Believe me. But you probably don’t.
Incidentally, in a recent session, my T mentioned that I must have been on an ego trip and thought I was “smarter” than everyone else and didn’t “need” the groups at the hospital. This was after I’d said in our session that I was stupid. We’d been over this before. I did my best to let it drop.