Yes, I am taking a vacation. From therapy. I have had it. I snapped. This morning. I stepped on the scale and was 2-1/2 pounds heavier than I was yesterday. As someone with anorexia, I find this devastating, especially since I am doing nothing to cause this to happen. I am barely eating enough to maintain my weight. I have been told that I am doing “all the right things” by my treatment team to “move toward recovery.”
Well, this is bullshit. I hate my body and I hate myself. This is not recovery. Now, I desperately want to lose this weight, and I intend to do so. I have been so depressed over the past three days that I can barely move. I am stuck in paralysis and a thickness in the air. Running was incredibly difficult this morning, and I stopped after seven laps even though I want so much to lose the ten pounds I have gained in eighteen days. This is about as fast as they made me gain it at the ED hospital. My running speed has slowed to what I believe is under a 12-minute mile! I was running an 11-minute mile not long ago and could sustain a 10-1/2 minute mile for about a mile if I pushed myself. I suspect that this is because of the weight gain but I’m not sure. It could be–believe it or not–because of depression.
I am vacationing–yes, in world called depression. This weight gain is not worth the depression I feel, the sluggishness, and the loss of the bounce in my step over the past three days. I want my joy back. The only way I can do this is to lose the weight. Then I will feel much, much better. I think the moment of realization was when I glanced in the mirror and saw, for the first time, my round, round face. It was then that I knew that I had to do something. Now.
I am taking a vacation from therapy. I’ve decided that I can’t deal with it right now. No weigh-ins, either. I don’t have one scheduled and I have no intentions of doing so. It happens that I don’t see my psychiatrist until the end of June. Fine.
Sorry. I don’t mean to let folks down. I need to do what I need to do. If I am going to gain this weight, I’ll gain it slowly, not suddenly. Not 10 pounds in 18 days. No thanks.