My "vacation"

Yes, I am taking a vacation.  From therapy.  I have had it.  I snapped.  This morning.  I stepped on the scale and was 2-1/2 pounds heavier than I was yesterday.  As someone with anorexia, I find this devastating, especially since I am doing nothing to cause this to happen.  I am barely eating enough to maintain my weight.  I have been told that I am doing “all the right things” by my treatment team to “move toward recovery.”

Well, this is bullshit.  I hate my body and I hate myself.  This is not recovery.   Now, I desperately want to lose this weight, and I intend to do so.  I have been so depressed over the past three days that I can barely move.  I am stuck in paralysis and a thickness in the air.  Running was incredibly difficult this morning, and I stopped after seven laps even though I want so much to lose the ten pounds I have gained in eighteen days.  This is about as fast as they made me gain it at the ED hospital.  My running speed has slowed to what I believe is under a 12-minute mile! I was running an 11-minute mile not long ago and could sustain a 10-1/2 minute mile for about a mile if I pushed myself.  I suspect that this is because of the weight gain but I’m not sure.  It could be–believe it or not–because of depression.

I am vacationing–yes, in world called depression.  This weight gain is not worth the depression I feel, the sluggishness, and the loss of the bounce in my step over the past three days.  I want my joy back.  The only way I can do this is to lose the weight.  Then I will feel much, much better.  I think the moment of realization was when I glanced in the mirror and saw, for the first time, my round, round face.  It was then that I knew that I had to do something.  Now.

I am taking a vacation from therapy.  I’ve decided that I can’t deal with it right now.  No weigh-ins, either.  I don’t have one scheduled and I have no intentions of doing so.  It happens that I don’t see my psychiatrist until the end of June.  Fine.

Sorry.  I don’t mean to let folks down.  I need to do what I need to do.  If I am going to gain this weight, I’ll gain it slowly, not suddenly. Not 10 pounds in 18 days.  No thanks.

Feedback and comments welcome!