Depression, part zillion

Today was the third full day of really bad depression for me.  I woke up with it and it’s been with me all day.  This is not “anorexia recovery”!  This is bullshit!

I have very few comforts right now.  When I was out walking Puzzle, I had trouble with my feet because of the refeeding edema.  My shoes didn’t fit properly and I had to loosen them in the middle of our walk.  Still, they didn’t fit right.

I have found comfort in my old friend, starvation.  I am not starving myself too badly right now.  Just stopping by to leave off something I don’t want–extra weight.  My choice is to be gaining weight rapidly and uncomfortably and feel miserable, depressed, hopeless, and full of self-loathing, or be thin, reasonably happy, alive, and not suicidal.  It’s a no-brainer.   I’m doing this for my own survival.

My therapist did send me an e-mail back after I e-mailed her saying I was “vacationing” and wouldn’t be there Monday.  She doesn’t suspect anything.  She didn’t ask me where I was or how long I’d be or if I wanted to reschedule of if I’d show on Thursday.  On Monday, I’ll write to her and tell her I won’t be in on Thursday.

“False recovery….”  No thanks.  Goodbye.

Feedback and comments welcome!