Today was the third full day of really bad depression for me. I woke up with it and it’s been with me all day. This is not “anorexia recovery”! This is bullshit!
I have very few comforts right now. When I was out walking Puzzle, I had trouble with my feet because of the refeeding edema. My shoes didn’t fit properly and I had to loosen them in the middle of our walk. Still, they didn’t fit right.
I have found comfort in my old friend, starvation. I am not starving myself too badly right now. Just stopping by to leave off something I don’t want–extra weight. My choice is to be gaining weight rapidly and uncomfortably and feel miserable, depressed, hopeless, and full of self-loathing, or be thin, reasonably happy, alive, and not suicidal. It’s a no-brainer. I’m doing this for my own survival.
My therapist did send me an e-mail back after I e-mailed her saying I was “vacationing” and wouldn’t be there Monday. She doesn’t suspect anything. She didn’t ask me where I was or how long I’d be or if I wanted to reschedule of if I’d show on Thursday. On Monday, I’ll write to her and tell her I won’t be in on Thursday.
“False recovery….” No thanks. Goodbye.