What I know is true

Today is Monday.  I don’t have a record of this, but I think it has been just under a week since It has bothered me.  I experienced It in the library.  I probably shouldn’t have gone to the library because I was dealing with It, but I went, anyway, armed with a bottle of Haldol.   I was uncertain as to whether what I was experiencing was actually It.  But as soon as I was certain, I took a Haldol.  When the medicine kicked in, It was gone.  It has not bothered me since.  It was a daily occurrence while I was in the hospital, often severe.  It is possible that this may be due to the fact that I only allow myself maybe six hours of sleep at most per night.  Less sleep means less likely to get It. If I get a full eight hours, I yawn all day, and am sleepy or groggy even.  And I think getting say seven and a half hours will put me at risk for getting It.

Today is Monday, and I’m working on making my life with It a thing of the past.  Tomorrow I have an EEG, which stands for electroencephalogram.  It’s a sleep-deprived test.  I have to stay up all night before the test.  They want to see what my brain is like in a very sleep-deprived state.  They are going to put little sensors on my head and test electrical signals.  The test will take about an hour.  It should be interesting if It shows up on the test.  Something tells me that this should have been done months ago.

Today is Monday.  My eating has sucked for months.  I am coming to realize, more and more, that I have a long, long way to go with my eating disorder.  Before It began, I thought I was doing okay with eating.  Now, I realize just how much work I have to do.

For a couple of months, It overshadowed my eating issues. It became the focus.  I could not manage my daily life.  I could not think straight.  I didn’t shower and didn’t know how to hold a toothbrush properly.  I couldn’t dress myself.   I had to wait for It to go away before walking the dog, and this sometimes took hours.  Slowly, I put my life back together.  Now, I have to deal with what remains.

But eating and weight are just on the surface.  There is a lot under there.  Yes, I don’t eat right and don’t take good care of my body.  Granted, I now brush my teeth a lot but that’s the extent of it.

Somewhere in there I made a choice to live.  Maybe it was several times.  Maybe one of those times was when the cops came and I went with them willingly.  Maybe another time was when, rather than begging people to set me free, I begged not one person, but a number of people, to stop me from doing what my thoughts were telling me to do.

So you would think that now, I would make that choice again, fully.  But taking care of myself means so much.  Like I said, there’s a lot under there.  I’ve gotten the daily tasks down that were tough because of It.  But now, I am faced with more long-term challenges.

I have not eaten normally since two days after the race.  I have mostly restricted.   I have lost weight.  I have done stupid things to my body.  I have not loved my body.  I have not cared for my body.  I have not treated my body with respect.  This has been since December 21st.  I need to wise up.  I can no longer use It as an excuse.  I can no longer use depression as an excuse, because I am getting over my depression.  I may have funky teeth, but there are plenty of foods that I can eat.  So I have nothing to blame now except what’s raw and inside me: my eating disorder, and it’s my eating disorder that I now have to face.

We’ll see how it goes.

Feedback and comments welcome!