My self-esteem has been somewhat restored over the past couple of days. I’ve been doing a no-no: I went to the track and walked 16 laps for the past three mornings. It felt awesome, and I’d do it tomorrow except we’re due for some wicked slushy weather tomorrow until noon.
I need to stop, stop, stop before I get hooked. There’s nothing like the track at sunrise. Sometimes, I even have the whole space to myself. Just me out there doing laps with the music blasting. Walking is slow going compared to running, but I keep at it. I don’t get into The Zone like I do with running, though. Shucks.
I walk with Puzzle, too. Every day, twice a day. We walk everywhere, just zooming around town, the two of us totally in synch. She is fast, fast, fast.
I am definitely not supposed to be doing this. I am supposed to be eating, eating, eating and not burning off all the calories I consume. I am definitely getting into a problem here.
I started pounding out my frustrations at the track because I didn’t know what else to do to cope with the depression I was feeling that was creeping back up on me. I didn’t know how to cope with the confusion and despair and loneliness and grief and anger. I am so afraid of going back into the depths of it. I am afraid to stop exercising for fear that the whole shebang will come crashing down on me again.
At least spring is here. At least that. And at least I’m not drinking and drugging. I’m super glad I never got into that. I smoked for about nine years and gave that up. Can’t believe I ever did it. So the grass is greener right here, right now, and April will come real soon.
I went downstairs to put my wash into the dryer, only to find that the washer hadn’t operated at all after I had started it. It took my quarters, started up, ran the cycle, finished, but hadn’t done a thing, hadn’t even gotten my clothes wet. So I had to remove my clothes and put them in another washer. Thankfully, there was one free. I told a fellow who was down there who knew the machines well, and he said he’d call the folks that serviced them, and he said I should call them myself to get my money back ($1). So I will call them tomorrow.
Input leads to expectation leads to results. I put in my wash and money, and I expected results, clean clothes, but the necessary link, the washing machine, was broken. If I continue to exercise in attempt to maintain mental health without necessary fuel, my body, the machine, will break down.
In the case of my wash, there was another washer for me to use. I have only one body. Period.
Clean clothes give me a more positive attitude. I feel really, really good after my laundry is done. I feel like I’ve accomplished something, even though it’s short-lived and I’ll have to do it again in a week or so. Laundry is a continuous cycle. It has to be done again and again to maintain a clean wardrobe. Eating has to be done over and over, not just once, but every day.
Okay, self-lecture over. My timer went off. I’m going to go put my clothes in the dryer. I wonder how many calories I’ll burn walking to the laundry room and back. Only kidding.