Good morning, world.
I woke up not wanting to face the day. I didn’t want to shower. Didn’t, in fact. This is an ongoing issue. I had slept in my clothes and didn’t bother to change them, just kept the ones I had on yesterday and am wearing them today. I know that is disgusting but I showered yesterday at least. If I were running, I would gladly take a shower right now. Guess that’s what’s so depressing about the whole deal.
I walked six miles yesterday. I was desperate to–yes–burn calories. I went to the track while the sun was setting. This was the first time that I have gone late in the day. Many people were there, mostly young folk, mostly walkers. I saw a group of young runners, laughing and talking among themselves as they ran, ponytails flying this way and that. I never ran as a young person. My self-esteem was so low that I felt that I couldn’t run. And I never would have run in a group of people. I always exercised alone.
I saw a mother teaching her child to use a bicycle with training wheels. I didn’t think that was right, using the track for that purpose. I nearly injured myself (again) trying to pass them. I considered saying something to them, but didn’t want to interrupt my stride.
I walked fast. I walked furiously. My ankle didn’t hurt. I played the music loud. It felt good. And I wished that I was running.
I seem to be on some mailing list for 5k runs. So I received a mailing for a run recently in Boston that I can actually get to on the T. There is a “walk” option. I considered it. But I wonder: why pay to walk 5k when it’s not a race, and I can walk over 5k at home on the track? Sure, it’s for a good cause, but my 5k walk time is likely to be something very depressing.
My eating disorder is running rampant right now. Mostly, it is the obsession. I engage in some weird, weird behaviors as well that I do not admit to anyone. My itch to exercise is at an all-time high, and coupled with this sprained ankle, I am very, very frustrated. I’d go to the gym, but I’m just too skinny, and I don’t want to be seen there for fear of embarrassment or being “found out.”
I worry that although I have committed to my T to work toward wellness, my eating disorder is worsening. I don’t think my weight is dropping but the obsession seems to be taking over my life, now that It is gone, and I am equally miserable with this preoccupation as I was with It.
So I woke up with my eating disorder for the zillionth time this morning. Hello, world. I woke up and said to myself, “Oh, shit, another day.” I realized what an ordeal it was going to be to deal with eating and not eating and food shopping and not food shopping and exercising and not exercising today. The daily grind. What’s on my shopping list so far for today or tomorrow: #2 coffee filters. Tomorrow it’s supposed to rain/snow. Another day I’m not going to worry about until I wake up tomorrow morning and realize I can’t exercise. The way I am now, though, knowing me, I’ll trudge through the snow to the gym and walk on the treadmill. Yes, I am crazy.
Maybe, though, tomorrow, I’ll wake up and not have an eating disorder. Maybe I’ll wake up and be normal weight and not be obsessed. Maybe I’ll wake up and not have a normal, healthy relationship with food and my body. Maybe I’ll want to shower and take care of myself. Maybe I’ll have really, really good self-esteem.
I guess I want those things more than I want a car, or a driver’s license, or money, or a larger, warmer apartment, or walls that aren’t paper-thin, or nicer neighbors, or a next-door neighbor who doesn’t sneeze so loudly. I want wellness more than I want to erase my ugly past and the embarrassment that comes with it. Wellness would somehow smooth over those bumps, soften the edges, at least enough to move onward and forget about my losses and look to the future.
But I’m not going to wake up normal weight tomorrow. If I did, I’d be mortified. So forget that idea. I’m not going to wake up with a normal relationship with food. I’m also not going to wake up with the ability to drive a car. But I could wake up with a more positive attitude than I woke up with today. I could wake up and enjoy brushing my teeth. I always enjoy brushing my teeth and having my delicious cup of coffee to start the day. Maybe, there will be an e-mail from a certain special person in my Inbox who has come back into my life at last. Maybe, I will hurry through my shower so that I can answer that e-mail before walking Puzzle. It’ll be nasty tomorrow. I’ll brush Puzzle’s teeth, throw on one of her lovely sweaters I made for her and am very proud of, and take her out in the cold, rainy, snowy April Fool’s weather.
So that’s tomorrow. I’m going to deal with today first. Wish me luck.