More sadness today–a post from a local community hospital

I am currently hospitalized in a local hospital.  The police took me away Friday.  I do not have much time at this computer, so this is going to have to be brief.  I was “sectioned,” so I was basically forced to the emergency room whether I wanted to go or not, and admitted.  I was held at the emergency room with a security guard watching over me for over 24 hours waiting for a Medicaid bed to open up at the hospital.

I continue to write in the It Notebook.  I was not allowed access to my pencils while in the ER.  I guess they thought I was going to stab myself with one of them.  So they gave me a pointless pencil.  I did have some paper and my clipboard, though.  So I wrote with the pointless pencil.  I kept note of everything that happened to me, and my thoughts and feelings about everything.  I wrote and wrote.  I continued to write once I got to this unit.

My sadness has been very intense.  Last night my sadness was so bad that I thought I would drop dead from it.  I held my head.  I thought it would burst open.  I wanted to cry out, but I did not.  Instead, I paced around the unit. I was the last to go to bed and the first up in the morning.  I have no desire to sleep or eat or drink.  I feel that there is no life left for me and no reason to go on.  

Maybe they will help me here.  They say they will.  They say I did the right thing by coming here.  Well, I had no choice.  I had no choice, so I came and I am here.  They let me use the computer so here I am.

Here I am, world.

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