Sadness, Today

Today, I am sad.  I can feel the sadness all over my body.  I felt it yesterday.  I woke up with it this morning.  I have not been able to work on my book.  I plan to try to work on it after my appointment with my T, if I can, at the library this afternoon, if I feel any better.  Maybe she can help me with this. I don’t know.  I feel so stuck in it that it is doubtful that anyone can help me at all.

Right now, I feel so low that my feelings cannot be contained in the Feelings Box.  They are so big that they do not fit in this room.  They cannot be stuffed into the universe.  They are forever-lasting, omniscient, covering me completely.  I can barely move my body at times and it is going to be difficult to get to therapy.

I am considering hospitalization, because I am afraid that this will again escalate into another intense desire to do harm to myself.  I do not feel any will inside me do such thing to myself right now, none at all.  I will not mention this to my T.  Or maybe I will.  Maybe I need to, for the sake of a part of the world that still matters to me, and the few, that I can count on the fingers of one finger, that are counting on me, in order to make themselves well again, to take care  of myself.

One thought on “Sadness, Today”

  1. Julie,

    Definitely be honest with your mental health care team. Changes in weather, meds, emotions are all very important for them to monitor.

    This is the first time I’ve “heard” you say you are actually thinking of choosing to go back to the hospital. Listen to your heart,

    MAZ xox

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