An Open Letter to my T Following My Trip to the ER Today

Dear T,

My e-mail to you last night read as follows:

“The desire in me to end my life has gotten very strong over the past few hours.  I am very disturbed about losing L.  Nothing in particular happened.  I’m not even depressed.  But I’m getting sadder and sadder about my situation.”

I wrote this to you because I wanted to tell you how I felt.  I wanted to describe my feelings accurately to you.  I thought it was important that you know these things.  I had no clue how you would react.  I just wanted you to know because you are my therapist and I trusted you with this information.

It says in my contract, which I signed, that I am supposed to be honest with my treatment team, so I am being honest with my treatment team.

Immediately after I sent the e-mail to you, I received a bit of encouraging news, which made me feel a little better. I still had this strong desire within me, though, but the feelings and thoughts were more bearable.   I was suddenly overwhelmed with fatigue, and went to bed.

The next morning, I focused on getting to my appointment for my weight check on time.  The appointment was for 8:30.  I made it there early.  I went directly to the library to work on revising my novel about an anorexic woman who loses everything and then commits suicide.  While revising, I found two sections that I really like, because finally, I had found the character’s voice.  Then you called me.

I called S, one of the few friends I’ve got left who will even talk to me at this point.  I was very upset about this police situation.  I couldn’t concentrate on my novel anymore because I was so upset, so I came home.  I was feeling very low.

It wasn’t until I was walking home from the library that I realized that it was a bad decision to end the It Notebook.  I decided that the Notebook should continue.  I decided that my decision to end the Notebook was probably what had caused all this.  This was a breakthrough for me.

When I came home, the police arrived.  I guess you know the rest.

Julie

Feedback and comments welcome!