The McLean Papers: 1/11/2011

The McLean Papers are a collection of papers I wrote while hospitalized at McLean Hospital January 2-24, 2011.  I had no intention, when I wrote them, of publishing them here.  Well, here they are in entirety, except for one, which was lost by the doctor, who had it at a staff meeting.

1/11/11

Today my soul hurts real bad
This year it will be 11/11/11 and that will hurt real bad
I don’t know why, maybe because
I don’t know where the time has gone
30+ years
The nausea has subsided
I had it yesterday, too
The confusion has subsided
I had it yesterday, too
The feeling of being completely overwhelmed
By everything that troubles me
Which is a lot right now
Is still there
Only at least I can put it down on paper
I was very troubled last night late
I stayed up late because I realized,
From studying my records, the frequency,
Duration, and intensity of the binge-urge
yesterday
I must be possessed
I am being controlled
I am being forced to have these urges
I am not making this up
Frank managed to stop years ago
He tries to teach me how
We even have a code word for it
When I am not possessed by it and possessed by depression
And possessed by something else deep in my soul
That I cannot put into words–yet–
(it is always there but it is this intense possession
That I cannot tolerate–that paralyzes me)–
I will know it–if there is at all this possibility
That the possession would end
Somehow
Maybe
Ever
I want
I don’t know
If

–That’s all–

PS: Today, I woke up obese and am devastated.

PPS: I am being chased.  Shhh…..

PPPS:  I feel better, I feel worse, I feel better, I feel worse….Feeling better does not stick around very long.

Feedback and comments welcome!