The McLean Papers January 10, 2011

I was hospitalized January 2-24 2011 at McLean Hospital in Belmont, Massachusetts.   While there, I kept a brief log of my feelings and experiences to show to the doctors and staff.  I also kept a record of what medications I was put on and other relevant experiences.  Here is my paper for 1/10 (I believe I posted the other 1/10 paper the other day).

List for 1/10

I have more physical energy
running helps me
I know a couple of people’s names [I learned the patients’ names while there but most of the staff’s names I did not learn]
I talk to my roommate
I negotiate with people

I talk to staff less
I hide my feelings
I am terrified of my roommate
I am terrified of everyone
I don’t trust anyone

I fear that I will not get better
I fear that I will not survive
The binge-urge is getting worse
Only Frank understands the seriousness of this
Only Frank understands that something must be done
Right here right now
Immediately–today–not tomorrow–
Not after I get out
For some reason, I am managing to get to the point here
About my terror
About how I feel like a scared, trapped, cornered animal
I feel smothered
I feel like I am figuratively in restraints
And I don’t know who or what will release me
Or if the cuffs are loose enough for me to slip out
Only medication helps with bingeing
After 30-plus years with this eating disorder
I know my history–better than anyone
I know my body
I know my terror
The patients comment–all the time–on my thinness
They watch me eat and comment
Any comment is a rude comment
It is a given
Sometimes the depression is so intense
That I fear I will drop dead from t–spontaneously
Some days I have felt this
It lasts for a number of hours and yesterday I told no one
Yesterday I managed to tell the day shift nurse about 10% of it
The weekend psychiatrist spent less than 45 seconds with me
Sometimes I am way too terrified to ask for help

Feedback and comments welcome!