The McLean Papers – January 10, 2011

1/10/11

Questions for Dr G:

1) I question the social worker’s role in my care
note: She barely recognized my T’s name, when I mentioned it
She barely knew who Frank is
I was shocked.  What the fuck?  Enough said.

2) What is the plan?
Is there a plan?
As far as I am concerned, Dr S’s plan [he was my Dr for the first week I was there] was “wait and see.”
As far as I am concerned, Dr S’s plan was “the passage of time will cure her.”
Well, this is bullshit.

3) When I met with my day shift person, I learned a new word: goals.  That is, my goals.  That is, our goals.  That is, taking action.  Because without action, no one’s goals can be met.

4) I am going to be assertive regarding my care from now on.  I have a 30-year history–yes, 30 years–of going with the flow.  Well, no more.  I have been hospitalized over 50 times and can count the number of times that I have been assertive and not been laughed at and not had it seen as a component of my illness or had it not taken seriously.  I can count the number of times that a hospitalization has actually been of tremendous help. [This time, obviously, was not one of those times.]

5) What I need: Help with bad depression.  Help with bingeing.  This combination, as my T points out, is intertwined.  This combination is fatal.

6) The only thing that has ever helped me with bingeing has been medication.  I beg of you to respond to this problem.  The medication–the right medication–will completely eradicate bingeing.  [This did turn out to be the case when Dr G added Trileptal a few days later.]  The two medications that have done this are Lithium in 1984 and Topamax in 2006.  Both were also immensely helpful with depression.  Both took effect almost immediately.  NO one believed me and said it was impossible for this to happen (especially in 1984) which was incredibly hurtful because when a miracle happens, it is a crime to deny the blessed one that it took place.

7) Lithium stopped working in 1987 with the addition of Nortryptyline.  Many medications cause bingeing for me [typically, antidepressants and a couple of antipsychotics].  I don’t know why the Topamax stopped working but I am absolutely devastated that my life has turned into this nightmare.

8. I had the binge-urge twice Friday and three times Sunday.  This is actually a blessing when you think about it.  I did not act on the urge at all.  This does not mean that I can control it.  I can’t.

9) I have not been depressed for this long in ages.  As you know, I have rapid cycling and it never sticks around like this.  It feels like it will last forever and I am incredibly concerned.  My two supports, Frank and Lori, have been very worried, and I don’t like worrying them.

10) Thanks.

1/10/11

Feedback and comments welcome!