The McLean Papers: Jan 5, 2011

I wrote some papers while at McLean Hospital that I shared with my doctors and a handful of other people.  I have all of these papers in my possession except for one, which got lost.  I will post some of these papers here.  They start January 5, 2011:

1/5/11

Good:

I took a shower today
I brushed my teeth
I drank some water
I ate some food

Bad:

I can’t concentrate
I can’t read
*I am not myself*
I feel very low
My body hurts all over
I despise myself
I am in slow motion
My body isn’t in synch
Body parts aren’t working right
Bad things are happening because of obesity
I am having trouble remembering things

I don’t want to share this with anyone [I did]:

I had a dream that I went back to the man who raped me and asked him for money

My desire to restrict is very strong [didn’t share]
My feelings of obesity are very strong
My self-hatred is very strong
*I feel ashamed that I am sick*
I like being very hungry [didn’t share]
I want my life back–the happy life I had for 3 months
I fear that I will never get it back
I want to have joy again
I do not feel strong today
I do not feel powerful today
I do not have the usual bounce in my step
I do not feel light and quick–I feel heavy and slow

This is not me
I am shocked at the person I have become
Or maybe it was in the cards all along
Maybe I just dreamed the joy and I am remembering incorrectly.  But no.  It really happened.  I really was joyful.  I really wanted to live.

Feedback and comments welcome!