The McLean Papers 1/9/2011

I’m skipping 1/8 (which happens to be my birthday).

1/9

I’m scared and worried about food and my body
Worried that I’m being spied on
Worried that people are watching me eat
Worried about cameras focused on me–eating
I don’t like the comments about my thinness
Now that I act okay that staff ignore me
And don’t ask me anything
The nurse I checked in with last night
Didn’t even know I have an eating disorder
I am terrified
I feel like I am a criminal avoiding some weird law enforcement
I do feel that the staff are trying to help me
But are completely unaware
Of the fact that I am being watched
No one else is being watched
I sit in the dining room
Hiding and not hiding
Trying to look okay and normal
Having trouble breathing in here
This is unreal
Ten I will call my friend and feel okay for a little while
I feel okay in the little booth  at the end of the hall.

1/9/2011

Feedback and comments welcome!