The McLean Papers 1/7/2011

1/7/2011

List for Today

Woke up with a headache and angry at night staff’s stupid rules
Wrapped my hair in a shirt
Because they would not let me have a towel
Until 6am They are like police
The nurse let me into the dining room at 5:52
And even he got yelled at.  But never mind that.
I woke up at my usual time 4:30 exactly
I was not depressed.  I slept 6 hours 20 minutes
Which is 20 minutes more than I need so I feel rested
I grabbed a piece of bread from the cabinet
There was no peanut butter
I couldn’t deal with this so I threw the bread out
I ate a banana and yogurt instead 180 calories total
I will call Expedia today and make it official
Trip to Ohio, my birthday, my new writing project,
Timing couldn’t be worse
Later, 2 eggs breakfast #2 160 calories hard boiled
Already, I feel like crap and getting worse by the minute
Long story, painful to tell
C came and talked to me
Desperately wanting to leave
Desperately wanting to hear her story
That she has probably told to everyone who will listen
I listened and wept
I cried in the shower last night
Thinking of Frank washing his beautiful hair
In the hospital, with hospital shampoo, in 1976, in Idaho,
While I washed my own hair, here in this famous hospital,
35 years later, wishing I could touch his hair for real
But anyway, soon after, I spoke with my friend
The bad thing I can’t describe was happening to me
I did not tell her but perhaps she knew
Then my roommate came in and I talked to her
The bad thing was happening to me.  I cannot describe
Pulling me, torturing me, as I described to staff:
A heaviness, yet a lightness
Bad, bad, bad
I still don’t know what it was, but I know
I was shaking.  I told staff I was anxious, but it
Wasn’t anxiety really, or should I say I was
Anxious because it was happening to me
And I didn’t know what was going on.
I know I was being tortured real bad
I was torn apart
I asked for my MP3 player
Listened to music real loud and dealt
With the physical and mental pain and cried
And after a long while of this pain I
Tried to write it and staff came in
I am better now and exhausted and haven’t
A clue what went on with me
Some kind of invasion maybe I don’t know
Something from without trying to take over my body and mind
And I am being tortured
The nurse brings strong medicine
But I am tortured for a long time afterward, into the night.

1/7/2011

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