The McLean Papers 1/6/11

List For Today


My body feels less depressed today
I have been writing a lot of these lists and then discarding them
In my mind, I do not have hope
As soon as the kitchen opened, I ate a slice of PB on bread
And 2 cups of coffee and water
Now I feel fat and too full
I feel that I will never get better
There is no “road to recovery” that is a cliche and it is bullshit
You won’t find it on Google Maps
And the computer in my head can’t access too much right now
Or, should I say, it keeps shutting down
I restart it but it does no good
I felt that soon I would see the “Blue Screen of Death”
If I didn’t come to the hospital
Well, this morning I woke up feeling fine in my body
But my mind crashed fairly quickly and I started crying
I brushed my teeth
I fixed my hair
I got dressed
I even cleaned the toilet seat
I went to the fitness center yesterday that was my only group
I will take a shower after my run today if they let me run again
Running is good for depression
Running helped me yesterday
I am talking to staff and figuring out why I am depressed
But coming up with no solutions
Just letting out the feelings
When I think of the future I just see the “Blue Screen of Death”
Breakfast #2 2 eggs hard boiled, skim milk, coffee not bad
250 calories, too much, way too much I am too fat for this
Frank taught me to stop counting calories
But sometimes I do
Sometimes he does.  We confess this to each other.
We joke about calories.  We have many jokes.  Laughter is good for body and mind.
I went to group today but left.  It was just words to me
And made no sense.
I have a headache mindache soulache
If I were at home and I woke up with the energy I had today,
I would have done the dishes–finally
I would have neatened up the apartment
I would have had no trouble showering
And taking care of myself.  Except eating.
I would have had a lot of trouble with eating.
See, I have plenty of energy
But I feel despair.
I see death in my future that I did not see before
I don’t know why it took me this long to see it.


Feedback and comments welcome!