I am going to copy parts of the It Notebook here. Where explanations are needed, I will give them. Occasionally, I will edit things out.
10:55-2:55 4 hours
No Haldol because all I have are the crappy generics.
[note: They gave me blue (or was it green?) Haldols in the hospital. My local pharmacy gave me orange Haldols. The pharmacy’s Haldols don’t work very well, so I don’t bother taking them. I had been taking Haldol PRN for It and the Haldol worked very well inpatient.]
What happened: It came just as I was getting ready to leave the house to see my T. I had been so confident and convinced that It would never return [I hadn’t gotten It for the entire day Thursday] that I had not taken a Haldol at 8am. It was so hard and confusing to get ready and pack my belongings. I managed to get to my appointment okay. The most difficult part was when I couldn’t find the exit from the Red Line train when it arrived at Park Street. At my T’s waiting room I wrote a quick note explaining that I was experiencing It. I couldn’t figure out how to fill my water bottle so I left it empty. Our session was difficult. It was, at times, hard to tune in to what my T was saying, and at other times I could understand completely. Either way, her words went by too fast for me. My thoughts were not right and I could not express myself properly. I was fully aware of this but could not control my thoughts. After a while, It began to lessen, and I was able to speak a little. It is weird how scary it was, but I wasn’t the least bit afraid.
After our session, when I got into the station, the train overshot the platform a little, and I nearly walked over the edge, onto the train tracks. For some reason, I wasn’t freaked out by this. I just accepted it. It was completely gone at 2:55 when I got home.
3:30-4:15 45 minutes
I just sat quietly drinking a cup of coffee until It went away. I sat very still.
5:45-6:30 45 minutes
I decided to try sitting quietly again. It worked.
Notes: I have decided, based on my last two experiences with It, that I need to be left alone while It is happening. I plan to make a large DO NOT DISTURB sign that I can hang on my door. I will call the housing manager and let him know that housing personnel (repair guys, exterminators, etc) should not enter or knock when the sign is displayed. I will give a brief explanation. He is a very kind man who cares deeply about his tenants. We are lucky to have him.
IT BREAKS MY HEART TO DO THIS, but I printed out ths application for The Ride [the “handicapped” transportation system–it is a door-to-door service that transports people who can’t take regular public transportation] about an hour ago and filled it out. My responses were completely honest, and it is obvious that I need this service. To one question, I responded, “Neither I nor my doctors know what it is at this time. At times, I am mentally confused and have trouble with my balance. I cannot stand in a moving bus. I cannot safely walk to the bus stop. I cannot safely navigate in a subway station.”
From now on, I will carefully observe PUZZLE. I will see if she shows any signs (whimpering, sniffing, looking uncomfortable, etc) before It comes. Today, she jumped on me. She never does that. If she can “tell” me, then this would mean a world of difference to me. I do know know what time it was that she jumped on me, though.
I need to temporarily suspend my gym membership. I have to find out how to do this. It is not safe for me to run on a treadmill right now, or be around potentially dangerous equipment. I HATE NOT RUNNING.
I need to get the flight insurance form to Dr. P. [I had been planning a trip that I had to cancel because I was in the hsopital, but had insurance on the tickets.]
I will have to do [the online grocery delivery service called Peapod] until I can get The Ride. I see no other way. I can also safely use the convenience store, and walk to Watertown Square, and just walk home quickly if I sense It coming. I’ll have time.
I can’t walk Puzzle anywhere right now because of the snow. When the snow is gone, there are a variety of routes we can do that allow us a chance to quicly get home if It starts. I NEVER take Puzzle out when I am experiencing It of course not!
How do I feel about all this? Why am I not angry? Why am I so accepting of my fate? Is this old sickness of 1996-97 so familiar that I have just fallen back into this old pattern? The truth is, there is no way to fight it. I have tried walking it off. I have tried doing tricks in my head to keep my thoughts from jumbling. It is like trying to put out a house fire with a flyswatter. It can’t be done. L says, “Stop embracing your illness.” Well, fuck you, L. Tell a cancer patient to stop embracing his tumor.
I must have pushed my feelings deep, deep inside me, because right now I probably have this inner anger that this horrible thing has happened to me. I do not feel that anger, though, but it must be there. How could it not be? Maybe it came out when one day I said “fuck you” to a staff person at the hospital. Well, she deserved it [for treating me like a child and very condescendingly], but maybe it was a little of this anger inside me that caused me to swear at her instead of just turning away.