Today, I was boarding a bus and the bus doors slammed on me just as I was passing through them. WTF? I pushed them open and stepped inside. The bus driver said, “Sorry. You are so small that I didn’t see you.”
Three times, buses have passed me by, then stopped about thirty feet past the stop. All three times, the bus driver has said, “You are so tiny that I didn’t see you standing there.” After this happened the third time, I wised up and waved when the bus approached.
So I am invisible.
If I am invisible to the driver, why do I have to pay a fare, anyway?
If I am as skinny as a bus pass, can I pay with myself? That would make me only worth $1.50.
At least if I am invisible, people on the bus would quit staring at me. Once, someone on the bus actually made a comment to me directly. I didn’t hear all of it. I was listening to my headphones. I’m wracking my brains right now trying to recall exactly what I heard.
People make comments all the time, both behind my back within earshot or to my face. It’s not polite. There is so much talk about discrimination against people who are overweight. There is so much talk about the worshipping of thinness in Western society. There is no recognition of the disgust people have toward extremely thin people.
The point is, very overweight people–well, heck, very few people tell themselves, “I’d like to wake up tomorrow and suddenly be overweight.” Many very overweight people tell themselves they’d rather not be overweight, and if they had a chance, they would exchange their bodies for normal weight bodies. I’ll bet no one tells themselves they’d like to have the health problems they might experience as a result of being overweight. However, I’ll bet there are overweight people out there, in particular people who are ever so slightly overweight, who are perfectly happy with their current weight and have no desire to change it. I wish I could be happy with my weight, whatever the scale says, and that it was a healthy weight for me.
Do people wish themselves anorexic? You bet plenty of foolish people are wannabees. Idiots. They can’t recognize a nightmare when they see one. Sometimes, someone tells me, “You’re so tiny,” and it makes me feel good. That’s sick. Sometimes, someone makes an unfeeling remark about my body size and it hurts like crazy. Even concern about my thinness…it can come off hurtful. Or comments on healthy weight gain. “You look so much healthier…” Ugh. Obviously, I should feel good about this but I don’t. (I would love it if someone told me my legs looked very muscular, though.)
Bus drivers should leave their comments off my body or I will break the fare machine. I’ve had my share of your remarks. I will slide my skinny arm right into the card reader. That should screw it up real good. Promise.
My wonderful new book, This Hunger Is Secret: My Journeys Through Mental Illness and Wellness is now available from Chipmunkapublishing–click here to access. To read more about it at my home site, click here.