As it turned out, I slept four hours last night and felt rested.  Not good.  This can be a sign that mania is coming on, or it can lead to mania. So I have to be careful.  I didn’t want another night of it.  I don’t want another night of it tonight.  I will take Benadryl to help me sleep, but it only lasts four hours so I don’t know how much it will help.

I put in a call to Dr. P.  She does not check her messages on weekends.  I had to have her paged.  I would have waited until tomorrow, but I felt that this couldn’t wait another night.  If I was going to start a new dose, I wanted to start it as soon as possible and pick it up from the pharmacy today.

Long story made short, and skip this paragraph if talk about medications and dosages bores you: Dr. P made two adjustments.  She raised my Abilify to make up for the lowered Risperdal.  Abilify and Risperdal are both antipsychotic medications.  My Abilify dose went from 20 to 25.  I told Dr. P that I thought I might be able to tolerate 25.  She also raised my Lamictal to stop the binge eating.  I binged today and two days ago, and I found the bingeing so horrible and so alarming that I felt that something had to be done about it immediately.  Dr. P to the rescue.  My Lamictal dose went from 500 to 600, but I was a little uncertain about this in Dr. P’s message, so I’ll have to get her to clarify tomorrow.

Yes, some people who binge eat can be helped with medication.  I am living proof of this.

In fact, if I had a choice between the following pills:

A pill to stop binge eating
A pill for depression
A pill to make me rich
A pill to keep my home clean
A pill for mania
A pill for anorexia
A pill to make me feel better about myself
A pill to keep me alive for 100 years

Yeah, I’d choose the pill for binge eating and throw away the rest.  Really.  Even if it meant dying at 75 instead of 100.  Because to me, a bingeing life is not a life worth living, so what would be the point of life till 100, anyway?  If I was in a fire and had to rush out of my house, and had only one med to grab, surely, I would take the Pill for Binge Eating.

This was the reason, back in 1981, that I started taking meds in the first place.  To stop the bingeing.  My first med.  Thorazine.  Thorazine, my friend.  It didn’t stop bingeing, but it did help me.  Still, I had read the research that Imiprimine helped people with binge eating.  This was brand new research and I wanted in on it.

Imiprimine didn’t do jack shit for me.  Imiprimine is an antidepressant and it made me worse.

And so on.  Pills and more pills.  But the original purpose–to stop the bingeing–was always in the forefront of my mind.  Please, please let there be a pill for this.  I knew this was chemical.  I knew rats could be chemically induced to binge.  And if this was the case, I thought to myself, bingeing could be started and stopped chemically.

This totally goes against all current theories of binge eating as “coping mechanism.”  Even my own therapist says my theories are crap.  But why, then, does medication work so well for me for binge eating, and therapy do absolutely nothing?  There’s got to be something to this.

At any rate, I feel like I’m being batted around in a batting cage right now.  This way and that.  Lowered this.  Raised that.  Not knowing what’s going to happen next, or how I’m going to feel, how much sleep I’m going to get,  or what’s going to happen with the dangerous side effect called Tardive Dyskinesia (see previous posts) which seems to have worsened today.

You could say I’m pretty discouraged.  Devastated by the binge eating I did Friday and today.  I don’t feel particularly guilty, but I do feel deeply ashamed.  I didn’t eat all day yesterday.  I don’t want to “trade” eating disorders, one for the other, and go from Anorexia Hell to Bulimia Hell.   You know, it’s just one easy step, when you think about it.


My wonderful new book, This Hunger Is Secret: My Journeys Through Mental Illness and Wellness is now available  from Chipmunkapublishing–click here to access.  To read more about it at my home site, click here.

One thought on “Adjustments”

  1. What happened to the seemingly happier Julie I spoke with just the other day?? I’m confused. Guess it’s more confusing for you, huh?

    (Just decided to attend my 40th high school reunion Oct. 7, in my hometown.


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