I don’t know what to do. I am not having any overt symptoms of starvation. I don’t know why. I appear in every way to be fine. I am not dizzy. I am happy. I don’t have palpitations. I am not confused. I can concentrate just fine. I don’t get headaches. I have not fainted. I don’t feel particularly weak. I do many things and have a full life.
Tonight, some of my friends suggested that I go to the emergency room. Any of you who take psych meds know that you are not respected in ER’s if you take them. They either poo-poo what you tell them, or think you’re attention-seeking, or med-seeking, or they automatically admit you to a psych ward. Besides, I have no symptoms. What complaints can I present? That I am starving? What kind of sense does that make?
Well, I’m not eating enough, and I’m scared about what I’m doing to myself.
I did have a breakthrough recently. I decided to be honest with my therapist. This is something new! She is hopeful. She sees this as a turning point. I told her I’d been lying to stay out of the ED hospital, and that I’ve been restricting and that I hadn’t followed my meal plan, not for a single day since I’d gotten out of there. I had been lying. Big lies. And now she knows. So therapy isn’t a big waste anymore. But I don’t know. She’s more hopeful than I am at this point.
Toward the end of our session yesterday, there was something I wanted to tell her, but was unable. I wanted to tell her how much I weighed. She hadn’t asked me. I’d been weighed at the doctor’s when I’d been seen the day before. She forgot to ask. I don’t know if the number is important, but I weigh less than she thinks. When she asked me how my eating was going, which of course we discussed for a while, she only believed what she wanted to believe: that I had improved since this “big breakthrough.” I haven’t. I have got to tell her this, because as we have established, “Every day is ‘Honesty Day’ at my T’s office.
So, “Ed.” take that.