I have to go back

I have to go back to the ED hospital.  My therapist is making me go.

My “eating phase” that began at the end of January lasted about five days.  Then, I admit, I went back to starvation.

The starvation has been very bad.  I cannot concentrate.  I cannot think straight.  Today I went into a store and the cashier might as well have given me back the wrong change.  I was completely unable to count it.  I nearly got lost in Boston.  I had trouble on the stairs.  I was scared.  I had a bad cold.  After two weeks had passed and it hadn’t gotten any better, I feared that I had pneumonia and would die, because I do not take care of myself.  But the cold went away.  I took NyQuil every night.  I still take NyQuil every night, even though I don’t have a cold anymore.  I don’t know why.  Maybe just because it makes me feel good and it’s comforting.

I don’t want to go to the hospital.  No way.  But my therapist was on the verge of pink-papering me.  “Pink paper” means she sends an ambulance to force me to go.  I’m going on Monday, two days from today.

I feel totally empty.  Like there’s nothing.  Like everyone else has a life and all I have is this fucking ED.  I feel that it has been forced upon me.  I was worthless before the ED came.  Maybe that was why the ED was such a temptation.  I am worthless now.  The ED is making me worthless.  I have no future.

At least I can bring my knitting with me to the hospital.  I am progressing with the sweater, and I have made further changes to the pattern.  I think these are all the changes I’m going to make for a while.  I will finish the sweater in the hospital and either start another, or make a matching hat.  It is one of my few comforts.

Well, I am sort of packed, and getting ready, preparing myself.  I wish I could call the whole thing off, but I guess that would probably tick off my therapist and a few other people.  I’m due over there at 11.  I’m dropping Puzzle off at 8:15.  Jeez.

2 thoughts on “I have to go back”

  1. Julie,
    Sounds like U R having a tough time with that damn eating disorder. Sorry to hear that, hon. I’ll be thinking of you, and sending a prayer, if U like.
    Be good to yourself.

    Marsha Z.

  2. Hi..sorry I havent been around like the other GFs..I am having the opposite problem with the binging but i cant check in anywhere..i’d lose my job. i didnt think it would be wise of me to talk too much to someone else who is trying to get well, as it might have sounded selfish.

    hopefully by the time you get this, you are feeling better..

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