Merry Christmas. I am feeling very low today. I have not felt depressed like this for many, many months. I have been fortunate. Now, it all comes crashing down on me. Maybe, this is what my therapist warned me of.
My therapist said what was happening was that I felt good on the surface, but the foundation was built on a lie. I didn’t believe her. I still don’t believe her. I asked her if it was anything like a Sudoku puzzle that had a fundamental error deep down, that made all the numbers wrong. It may look right, but when you check the answer, it is all wrong. There are big goofs in it. It doesn’t make logical sense. She said that was it exactly. Well, I don’t believe my therapist one bit, but that was her theory, and she will of course argue that I am now crumbling because of my faulty foundation.
I believe I am depressed because of what SHE and Dr P are doing to me. When a therapist decides she’s not going to be your therapist anymore, when your treatment team decides they are going to give up on you, that’s pretty serious. It means you are a failure. It means that you will soon lose a major source of help and support. I don’t know what will happen to me once I lose them.
I gained four pounds, and this further depresses me. I know THEY will be delighted, but they will want more, and this gain will only serve to fuel them on. I did not gain to please them, nor did I gain for my own betterment. I gained because I lost control of my own impulses; I weakened momentarily. This was not a good thing. I seem to be recovering okay. I have not had a gain since this whole thing began. Why this happened I don’t know, but the timing was cruel indeed.
I was unable to shower this morning due to depression. I was unable to braid my hair. I was barely able to brush my teeth, but this I finally accomplished. I didn’t bother doing my laundry. Knitting provided reprieve until I discovered a leak in my window (Grrr) which caused a draft while I was knitting, and I could not continue to sit on the couch, where I sit normally to knit. I will have to call the Housing Authority regarding this leak on Monday. This further depresses me.