I plan to lie to my therapist today. It is an understanding we have that she will not read my blog, so I can safely say this. It has been a while since I have lied to her, so it will probably be difficult. I’m not proud of this. And I’m out of practice. But people with ED’s are great liars, particularly those with anorexia.
I’ve got to tell her that I’ve been eating. I’ll tell her how difficult it has been. I’ll complain about how full I feel. I’ll tell her that eating small, frequent meals helps. I have been eating small meals–ha ha. I’ll tell her that Dr. K’s scale must have been off. I’ll tell her that although I haven’t weighed myself, I know I’ve gained weight. My face, I’ll say, feels puffy, and my body feels more fleshy. I’ll specify places that have filled in (like my armpits). The truth is that I have lost weight, but all this should convince her that I am eating and have gained, and am doing well. Then we can talk about other things, such as my successful stand-up comedy class. At least I am no longer bingeing, and that is a huge plus. About that I can at least be honest.
If my weight continues to be low, what about my next weigh-in with Dr. K? I’m going to have to schedule it eventually. I plan to put two rolls of quarters in my pockets. That should alter the reading considerably. And drink a LOT of water beforehand.
Of course, the alternative–most of you would say–is a lot easier, logical, healthier, etc etc etc: eating. I don’t know what got me to sway from my course. Maybe my anger at Dr. P for treating me like a textbook case. Maybe my wish to avoid “life after Goddard,” avoiding the “next step” of facing myself as a “real writer.” I am facing a blank slate. I am facing the world of professional writing, which scares the shit out of me. The truth is that I’m already immersed in it. All I have to do is to take the next few steps, and then the next few, and then the next. It’s that simple. But something is very, very scary about doing that.