I did it. I told a pack of lies. I told her how horrible it was to be eating again. I told her that I felt full all the time. I told her what I had supposedly eaten. She asked me what I had eaten for lunch, and I made up something and told her. That was scary, because I stumbled for a minute on “carrots” and it must have looked like I was trying to think them up. I was. I distracted her by telling her, and elaborating: they were baby carrots, I said. I didn’t want to sound like I was doing super well, so I told her I was having peanut butter on rice cakes for breakfast. She scolded me for this. I knew she would. We talked at length about food. I tried to elaborate on what I’ve supposedly been eating. I think I sounded truly interested in cooking good food.
At the end of the session, my therapist asked me how the “ED voice” was. People with eating disorders have an ED voice that tells them to lose weight, restrict food, exercise, etc. I was honest with her, partially, on this one. I told her the ED voice was incredibly powerful right now. I did not tell her that the ED voice was saying to me, “Great job, Julie, great job lying!” When my therapist asked me what it was saying, I refused to tell her.
The approach that my treatment team is taking right now isn’t working very well. My psychiatrist, Dr. P, is spewing threats, and that just makes me rebel. My therapist seems to be less action-oriented than I need. But do I really want to “get better”? Obviously, I don’t. What a tightrope this is! I can’t blame my treatment team, but on the other hand, I didn’t ask for this eating disorder. And if I could live again, I wouldn’t choose it.