I did not have a good appointment with Dr. P today. All she wanted to talk about was my weight and my eating. Nothing else. Nag nag nag. I told her I had started eating again and apparently that wasn’t good enough for her. She said I had to GAIN.
Well, I told her, at least I hadn’t lost.
This, apparently, was not good enough for her. Not losing wasn’t enough. I have to gain seven pounds, or else. Seven. I already panicked when I got to 99, I told her, and now she wants me at 105?
What’s so scary about 99, she asks.
It just is.
Well, see, Julie, that’s why you need a program. I really feel that a program could help you–
No program. I’m doing this on my own.
By “program,” she was referring to an eating disorders day program or evening program, where they serve you big meals and expect you to eat them. They weigh you and give you nutrition counseling, and they have stupid groups and expect you to go to them. Some people benefit from these programs, but I think I’d find it just babysitting for people with ED’s.
You say you’re doing it on your own, but you haven’t gained. You can’t keep doing baby steps. You have to eat regular meals. It’s going to feel like too much for a while because you’ve been restricting, but you have to do it. So I really think you should be in a program.
We went on like this for a while. I flat out refused to go into a program, and there wasn’t a damn thing Dr. P could do about it. You can’t be “sectioned” (court ordered) into a program, I don’t think, only into a hospital, and I don’t meet the criteria for hospitalization (or a “program,” for that matter, I don’t think).
I just plain and simple have no desire to gain weight or cooperate with Dr. P any further than I already have. Dr. P wants me to throw out my scale, and I refuse to do this. I have no desire to increase my calories back to where they were a week ago. I have gained enough weight and I don’t want to gain any more. So long as I don’t lose, she can’t hospitalize me. And that should be good enough for everyone.