As it turned out yesterday, it wasn’t Dr K who weighed me, as she was called away to one of the units. Dr S weighed me. He did things a little differently. He didn’t even ask me to remove my jacket or take anything out of my pockets! So I weighed (I checked this on my scale when I got home) 1.2 pounds less than I would have weighed if Dr K had weighed me.
Now, I thought this was just grand–at first. I thought I’d gotten myself off the hook somehow. So I was basking in this for a while, and then I realized this: according to Dr S, I’d lost 7-1/2 pounds. If Dr K had weighed me, it would have been 8-1/2. Is there that much difference? The point is, I lost a lot. And next time I’m weighed–there will be a next time–it will appear that I’ve lost even more.
Over whose eyes have I pulled the wool? Who am I trying to kid? I got home and didn’t eat. I ate less yesterday than usual, and I’ve barely eaten today. Why am I doing this to myself? It is almost as if I am in a race against time. Like something inside me desperately doesn’t want to make it to graduation–why? In every way, I desperately do want to go to graduation, to do all the things that I plan to do while there. I’ve done most of my packing already. My thesis is due to be printed out by tomorrow at 7:30am. I’ve purchased clothes for this occasion. I’ve done all the preparations–now this!
How can I stop this madness?