Yesterday I went to see Dr. P, and I was surprised (or not surprised) that she read me the riot act regarding my eating! I wanted to tell her all the things that were going well, and she picked the one thing that is not going well to discuss! I suppose that was to be expected, though, because one is supposed to talk about one’s problems when one goes to see doctors, right?
Dr. P asked me a million questions about what was going on, and then said I had to go to see my primary regularly to get weighed. I think she said once a week. Now, that’s a $20 round trip cab fare that I can’t afford. When I protested about the cost, Dr. P said, “Your other choice is to eat.” Well, duh.
I felt rather defeated when I left Dr. P’s office. I know I have to get this thing under control. But what did I do? Here’s the weird reaction: I went totally out of control once I left Dr. P’s office. I spent money. I spent a lot of money. I won’t even admit here how much I spent but it was more than I have. I kept telling myself, “It’s my graduation, I deserve this,” but truthfully, I don’t deserve empty pockets.
Nor do I deserve starvation. I deserve wholesome meals. I deserve to feel good. I don’t deserve deprivation and hunger. I need satisfaction in my life. I need nourishment and love, and the feeling, when the day is over, that I’ve accomplished something meaningful and good.