Weird Reaction

Yesterday I went to see Dr. P, and I was surprised (or not surprised) that she read me the riot act regarding my eating!  I wanted to tell her all the things that were going well, and she picked the one thing that is not going well to discuss!  I suppose that was to be expected, though, because one is supposed to talk about one’s problems when one goes to see doctors, right?

Dr. P asked me a million questions about what was going on, and then said I had to go to see my primary regularly to get weighed.  I think she said once a week.  Now, that’s a $20 round trip cab fare that I can’t afford.  When I protested about the cost, Dr. P said, “Your other choice is to eat.”  Well, duh.

I felt rather defeated when I left Dr. P’s office.  I know I have to get this thing under control.  But what did I do?  Here’s the weird reaction:  I went totally out of control once I left Dr. P’s office.  I spent money.  I spent a lot of money.  I won’t even admit here how much I spent but it was more than I have.  I kept telling myself, “It’s my graduation, I deserve this,” but truthfully, I don’t deserve empty pockets.

Nor do I deserve starvation.  I deserve wholesome meals.  I deserve to feel good.  I don’t deserve deprivation and hunger.   I need satisfaction in my life.  I need nourishment and love, and the feeling, when the day is over, that I’ve accomplished something meaningful and good.

Feedback and comments welcome!