In case you’ve been wondering where I’ve been….
I’ve been revising my creative thesis. I’ve been working at a terrific pace. I get up at 4:45am and go to bed at 8:30pm. I start writing at 8:20am and don’t stop until around 7:30pm.
I do get the housework done.
I haven’t exactly been remembering to eat. But I am getting better at it.
Of course I take excellent care of Puzzle. Or, rather, she takes excellent care of me. She reminds me to take my meds. Without her, I would surely forget.
I do keep my appointments. I get enough sleep. I am not manic.
For some reason, I seem to be able to keep up this pace. Why? Someone pinch me–this couldn’t be real!
I worry about what will happen after school ends. I worry that I’ll lose the drive, the motivation, to keep going. I worry that I won’t have the support I need. I am really, really scared that I will go downhill. I worry that my mother will push me into getting a “job,” something for which I am not mentally equipped. The structure of a “job” is a lot different from sitting and writing all day. She has already said, “Julie, I hope that after you graduate, you will be accepted into a ‘position,'” meaning, a teaching position. Horrors! I can’t do that kind of teaching! What I am thinking about is possibly getting a scholarship to go to one of those writers’ retreats or artists’ colonies for a couple of weeks at some point. I have asked my advisor what she thinks about this idea.
I am so afraid of getting lost in the world. But for now, everything is okay. I have goals. I have a project I am working on. I have started a new book to work on after school ends. That plus I’ll still be revising my current project. If all else fails, I have a sweater for Puzzle that I’m making….