Now and then I consider stopping blogging due to ever-lowering readership. People do not like text-only blogs. They like cutesie “memes.” They like “pics.” I rarely post such stuff unless I have a decent photo of Puzzle to share. They like uplifting posts even if they are full of lies about how great life is. Or even boring stuff about television, celebrities, or the latest expensive fad product on the market. I do not blog about these things, so people I suppose that is why folks don’t bother anymore.
I have lost many friends, especially over the hospital abuse. They refuse to believe it really happened. They continue to default to the hospital’s side when clearly, the hospital was in the wrong. I’ve tried sending informational links about diabetes inspidus and how it’s dangerous to deprive a person with DI of water, how you can really kill that person, but they refuse to admit how serious it all was. Frankly, they are either naive to defend the hospital, or too stubborn to admit they were just plain wrong and totally cruel to accuse me of “water addiction.” They continue to claim I’m psychotic and that the whole thing never happened.
I believe this is because some people find saying “I’m sorry” incredibly difficult. It’s a lot easier to just say nothing and continue the false belief that the one you harmed (or those accusing you, which might be the same) is “crazy” instead. This staunch refusal to admit fault, this outright denial, which is painful, I must say, is a psychosis in itself. I believe murderers go through it, too. “I didn’t do it.” But they did.
I truly believe that when my minister sent the police to my home on the completely unfounded accusation that I was planning to murder him and possibly murder his family also, was a psychosis on his part. There was no evidence, no actual material evidence that I was planning anything of the sort. I had not threatened, nor did I have any weapons nor plans. In the past I had noticed his overly exaggerated fears of me. I wondered why he was so fearful.
Phobias are a psychosis. Say you are afraid of spiders. This is an unrealistic fear because it isn’t a fear based on a bad experience with a spider. Did a spider hit you or threaten you? Did a spider, or several, come to your home and beat you up? Did several spiders tie you to a bed, yell at you, inect you with Haldol, and leave you there to die? If so, you’d have darned good reason to fear spiders. If you’ve never even been bitten by one nor had a bad experience with spiders, then your fear is unfounded, but I’m not saying the fear isn’t real. it’s a metaphorical fear. You’re afraid of the idea of spiders. That’s what makes it a phobia, and also, a psychosis, in my opinion, but that’s just a word.
My minister, Mark, had an unfounded fear of me. He was afraid of me but I had never threatened him nor hurt him. He showed fear in his eyes upon seeing me and showed fear when I approached him. I was baffled by this but didn’t know what to do. One time (I can probably find this in my blog, as I recorded it) I showed up in his office with a handbag, a red bag with a letter I’d received in the mail inside the bag. i told him I had something to show him that I had inside the bag.
Wow, was he scared. I could see this. He wanted me to show him but not while we were alone in the room. I asked myself why and then, I realized he was phobic of me, in a psychotic sort of way. He actually believed I had a gun or knife in my red bag! No, I had a letter I had received that I wanted him to see. A piece of paper with words on it. I’m a writer, not a violent person, I wanted to say, but I withheld that thought.
This man was far “crazier” than I was to think that I had any violent intent. However, he had clout in the community and I was a known diagnosee. He had the power to send the cops and too accuse me of “planning murder” on january 10, 2014. I had no such intention at all. He was wrong. His actions, and the actions of the two church members who went along with this stupid more to terrorize me, were following his orders which were based in unfounded psychotic fear of me.
Why me? Well, I have my ideas. Mark had his neuroses about weight, as do many people. Many people fixate on anorexics and place blame on us simply because we’re skinny. They finger-point out of jealousy. They know we struggle so they blame us for their own weight struggles. I truly believe Mark’s weight struggle went very deep. I suspect deeper than he wanted to admit. Had we had a different relationship instead of his fearing me and always taking the better-than-thou upper hand, maybe I could have helped him. Instead, he loathed me even worse, talking down about me behind my back, and never truly took me seriously nor believed me. He fixated on me because he needed to hate someone. Then, when things didn’t go quite right, he tried to have me put away on January 10th 2014 by sending the cops. What was that supposed to do? Get me incarcerated one more time? It didn’t work!
I’ve spoken with two state legislators about what happened, and also with a couple of lawyers. That little incident is a big part of what led me to leave Watertown for good. I couldn’t stay any longer knowing I was hated and feared so much.
My exfriends, likewise. They, too, developed a similar, exaggerated, psychotic fear of me. Lord knows why such a thing happens. “Lock your doors,” they were saying. Like I was going to come across state lines, thousands of miles away, and shoot them. I hope those of you who know me well are laughing your butts off right now at how unrealistic this is. I own no weapons, don’t know how to shoot one, don’t want one, and don’t have the capacity to travel at the speed of light to go on a shooting spree, nor want to. Yet I suppose their metaphorical fears became quite bothersome to them.
Maybe those paranoid enough needed a nice rest somewhere in the nuthouses they deemed only worthy of those they hate, or hated in the past. Those they considered “sick.” Those they saw as needing “treatment” and those they objectified and harmed in some way. Those they blamed. Those they pointed the finger at. The paranoiacs made their beds to lie in. The accusations were false all along. They can all go have a nice rest now.